They say you don't know who you really are by the time you're twenty-one. I really hope that's the truth, because if this is the real me, I don't want to be him much longer. Real me doesn't wan't to sit inside all day, pecking away at his computer for fake internet points or in hopes that his secret blog will accidentally come across your search engine for no real reason. Real me doesn't like the feeling of tears brewing but never seeing their release. Real me doesn't like it here. Real me would leave this me far behind.
She's twenty-one, her name is Savannah, and she's getting married soon. She met her fiance in high school, but they didn't know it yet, I doubt they even talked. They went to the same college and one thing led to another. And now they are going to get married. At twenty-one. But in his defense, he is probably twenty-two by now, and I'm sure he feels it, but I wouldn't know. They've been together three, maybe four years and they're going to get married. Good for them, really, I mean it. They make each other happy. If they feel its the right choice then more power to them.
I see more and more people like them every day. I'm barely a fifth of the way through my life, maybe a quarter of it, depending on how optimistic you are, and I couldn't imagine getting married right now if I want it to. Like stupid kids - because everyone is still a kid in my eyes - everyone thinks about marriage. How their suit will look, what colors you'll use, where it will be, who will come, hell, sometimes you think about who will be standing next to you. And you'll make a stupid promise about how it will be them standing by your side and how you will do anything to make sure that happens. You mean it, but deep down, you have a bad feeling like it won't happen. I know because I feel that way too. It's okay. You're too young to take life that seriously.
But I guess I'm not like other people; I know I could never get married right now, have kids, settle down. I'm still a kid but I know better. I still spend twenty percent of my paycheck on Legos for crying out loud. Even when you think you're facing it head on and you're making a decision you're sure you can keep, there will always be that doubt. When your period came late, or you slipped up and told me how you wanted to feel what it was like to have someone cum inside you. You knew better, we both did, but when you really stop and think about it, you were on birth control; So really, what were the odds?
You were just going to stress about it anyways; Psyche yourself out thinking that the world was ending because there was a .0016 percent chance you were pregnant. I did the math. I know it's not my strong suit, but percentages aren't that hard. You thought you'd have to drop out of school, leave your world behind, forget about your dreams and your hopes, and I had never even gotten close to cumming inside you. Not unprotected anyways. But somehow that pre-cum was going to end you even though it can't carry enough live sperm to fertilize an egg. But who cares, I didn't do the research or anything when I tried to calm you down in the middle of the night and put your fears to sleep.
I'll admit I was scared once. They say you aren't a real couple until you have that scare and you feel like you have to step up and make a choice. We knew we would never keep one this early in the game, but when you really stopped and thought about it, how bad could it be? I did always say that I was destined to be a dad, have kids, be a role model, live the dream. But not like this.
I'd marry the girl of my dreams that always made me feel loved, that one to complete me. We'd have a nice house and live well, not rich but wealthy. One son, one daughter if we were lucky. I wouldn't make them play sports, but I'd encourage them to try different things, same as religion and food. My kids wouldn't be my clones, they would be their own people. But none of that would happen right now. I think we both knew you weren't the one to complete me, or at least I didn't feel it, but we were willing to try. I knew you always loved me more than I loved you at the start, but it wasn't until now thatI realized what I let go.
I wouldn't want to be married now anyways. You can go off and do what you want, I'm not your keeper. I'll keep my opinion to myself whenever I'm around you and just tell you that the ring looks good even though it scratches me when you pass by. I just know it's not right for me. Not right now. Not for a long time. But one day, when I'm less alone and I find that right person, I will be.
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