Have Been

It has been a week.  One week.  That's seven days.  But that's enough for you.  I know we technically went our ways two months ago,  but I felt like trying.  Just see me when you need me.  For anything.  Food.  Love.  Dates.  Sex.  A place to sleep.  Anything.  But you saw it as an excuse to never see me again.  I don't know if I was too needy or if you really were too busy,  but deep down,  I just don't think you cared.  One week ago,  I told you I was done with all of it.  And now you have a boyfriend. 

For two  months,  I hardly knew you.  You weren't the same woman I loved, the woman I fell for.  You were just some girl  too busy in her own life to be concerned with mine. A girl who worked twenty hours a week with eighteen hours of school and never saw me unless you "needed"  me.  But suddenly,  one week later, you have all the time in the world.  Suddenly I'm not the man you wanted to spend your life with,  I'm no longer mister perfect,  mister sun to your shine.

I'm sure he'll learn soon enough that you aren't all you seem cracked up to be. You won't be the same woman he falls for,  you won't be the same person in two months. You'll do the same as you've done to me.  And the worst part out of all of  this,  was that I was warned.  And I didn't listen.  Because you were different. You made me feel loved when I looked to you.  You made me feel safe and happy when I held you in my arms. Then you changed. 

I always said you were like two different people.  I didn't know how right I was.  For the first month or two,  we were happy.  Any second you had,  you were right here.  Since the minute we met,  you were clamoring to touch me,  to feel me,  to kiss me,  to love me.  You practically begged.  I took a chance like you asked and I really wish I hadn't.  You weren't the same. 

You became distant.  Unreliable.  You wanted nothing to do with me.  You turned on me like a hungry dog and then would immediately  turn around to earn my favor.  You were the complete opposite person than who I fell in love with.  You were aggressive, short tempered, cold,  aggressive. 

Now it's my turn to be angry.  I should have known better.  I should have heeded the warnings.  I guess I can thank you in a way for turning my depression into a furious rage if even for a second in this time. It should never be this easy to replace someone who you claim you cared for so dearly.  I am beyond a caring mood. 

I don't even know the guy.  I don't hate him.  I don't blame him.  I hold nothing to him,  but pity.  He knows not what he is doing.  My friends say I have dodged a bullet,  and honestly,  I am inclined to agree with them.  I just wish it had happened sooner so I could have remembered what it felt like to be something other than barren. 

For once,  I have learned to hate something other than myself for once.  Even if it only lasts for a few hours,  it will feel like an eternity within this. 

We Would

It's nights like this that I wish I drank, I wish I did drugs. Most people talk about how much it helps. How good it feels to be high and so far beyond your problems, like they melt away and you can ignore them until you come back down. I'm not like that. I wish I was, I really do. I hate feeling like this. Loneliness is by and far my biggest weakness, and even with friends, it just doesn't feel the same.

I made a mistake today. I made a mistake by texting you. I knew what I was doing, I knew what you'd say. But it didn't matter because I just couldn't take it anymore. I can't keep subjecting myself to a life like this where the only thing I ever seem to fight is myself. I want to be free so badly, but I don't know how when I can't leave you behind. I spoke to you from my heart, that deep black pit smoldering in my chest, begging for just one last chance before it collapsed on itself.

How would you feel if you were reading this? If you knew how I felt and how I feel? I just wish you knew what I was going through so you would know this pain, this weight, this density bearing down on me. The heaviest weights you can ever carry are your emotions and I know everyone has their load. I just wish you could feel mine; Holding it in your hands so you know why you used to hold me when I cried. So you knew why I begged you to come over so I could just see you for a moment. You won't know my pain. My pain is special. But you have yours too.

I know, its true. Everyone has emotions; who would have thought? You probably would say me after the way I acted all the way back then. Its the reason you won't talk to me, so I know it has to be a heavy burden to bare; Heavy enough that you won't reach out to me when I look at you with teary eyes for help. I'm like a child again. I'm just lost and scared and I don't know what to do. I'm alone in the world but the only difference is that I know things are better than this, can be better than this, will be better than this. But that time isn't right now and I'm impatient. Every second I sit here, I lose more and more of myself to the past. My memories, my emotions, my feelings, my love. They all stay when they are the things I want to lose first. Everyone does.

We're all more alike then we'd like to think. When you look out to the world, we like to see ourselves as the main character as the extras walk by in the background. But it's not the truth. Everyone has a mother, a father, a family, a cause, a home, a life. All the thoughts that race through your head have been shared by another. Other people know how I feel. And I feel sorry for them. That they have to feel that pain, that weight.

But I still want you to feel it. I really do. Mold it in your hands like dry clay, feel it's hard points prick at your palms, feel it's cold dust brush against your fingertips, feel it slowly drying. Losing shape. Withering. Becoming more and more dense. Until you know how I feel. That grey lump crumbling inside my chest used to be filled with life. I used to at least be human. I don't think you'd love me now. You said you always wanted me to change, be the person I should be. And I'm afraid this is who I will be for the rest of my life.

Remember how I used to look at you, tears pooling, telling you about how terrified I was? Scared that I was doing the wrong thing? That I didn't know what I was doing. Well I really didn't. Remember how I looked at you when I said I was afraid to love you? That I was afraid to let you in? That I would scare you away? Well look at where we are now. I let you in and look where that got us.

I looked at you in the eyes, your very soul, and I said that I was afraid because you might be the only person for me. And I'm afraid you really were.