It's nights like this that I wish I drank, I wish I did drugs. Most people talk about how much it helps. How good it feels to be high and so far beyond your problems, like they melt away and you can ignore them until you come back down. I'm not like that. I wish I was, I really do. I hate feeling like this. Loneliness is by and far my biggest weakness, and even with friends, it just doesn't feel the same.
I made a mistake today. I made a mistake by texting you. I knew what I was doing, I knew what you'd say. But it didn't matter because I just couldn't take it anymore. I can't keep subjecting myself to a life like this where the only thing I ever seem to fight is myself. I want to be free so badly, but I don't know how when I can't leave you behind. I spoke to you from my heart, that deep black pit smoldering in my chest, begging for just one last chance before it collapsed on itself.
How would you feel if you were reading this? If you knew how I felt and how I feel? I just wish you knew what I was going through so you would know this pain, this weight, this density bearing down on me. The heaviest weights you can ever carry are your emotions and I know everyone has their load. I just wish you could feel mine; Holding it in your hands so you know why you used to hold me when I cried. So you knew why I begged you to come over so I could just see you for a moment. You won't know my pain. My pain is special. But you have yours too.
I know, its true. Everyone has emotions; who would have thought? You probably would say me after the way I acted all the way back then. Its the reason you won't talk to me, so I know it has to be a heavy burden to bare; Heavy enough that you won't reach out to me when I look at you with teary eyes for help. I'm like a child again. I'm just lost and scared and I don't know what to do. I'm alone in the world but the only difference is that I know things are better than this, can be better than this, will be better than this. But that time isn't right now and I'm impatient. Every second I sit here, I lose more and more of myself to the past. My memories, my emotions, my feelings, my love. They all stay when they are the things I want to lose first. Everyone does.
We're all more alike then we'd like to think. When you look out to the world, we like to see ourselves as the main character as the extras walk by in the background. But it's not the truth. Everyone has a mother, a father, a family, a cause, a home, a life. All the thoughts that race through your head have been shared by another. Other people know how I feel. And I feel sorry for them. That they have to feel that pain, that weight.
But I still want you to feel it. I really do. Mold it in your hands like dry clay, feel it's hard points prick at your palms, feel it's cold dust brush against your fingertips, feel it slowly drying. Losing shape. Withering. Becoming more and more dense. Until you know how I feel. That grey lump crumbling inside my chest used to be filled with life. I used to at least be human. I don't think you'd love me now. You said you always wanted me to change, be the person I should be. And I'm afraid this is who I will be for the rest of my life.
Remember how I used to look at you, tears pooling, telling you about how terrified I was? Scared that I was doing the wrong thing? That I didn't know what I was doing. Well I really didn't. Remember how I looked at you when I said I was afraid to love you? That I was afraid to let you in? That I would scare you away? Well look at where we are now. I let you in and look where that got us.
I looked at you in the eyes, your very soul, and I said that I was afraid because you might be the only person for me. And I'm afraid you really were.
I made a mistake today. I made a mistake by texting you. I knew what I was doing, I knew what you'd say. But it didn't matter because I just couldn't take it anymore. I can't keep subjecting myself to a life like this where the only thing I ever seem to fight is myself. I want to be free so badly, but I don't know how when I can't leave you behind. I spoke to you from my heart, that deep black pit smoldering in my chest, begging for just one last chance before it collapsed on itself.
How would you feel if you were reading this? If you knew how I felt and how I feel? I just wish you knew what I was going through so you would know this pain, this weight, this density bearing down on me. The heaviest weights you can ever carry are your emotions and I know everyone has their load. I just wish you could feel mine; Holding it in your hands so you know why you used to hold me when I cried. So you knew why I begged you to come over so I could just see you for a moment. You won't know my pain. My pain is special. But you have yours too.
I know, its true. Everyone has emotions; who would have thought? You probably would say me after the way I acted all the way back then. Its the reason you won't talk to me, so I know it has to be a heavy burden to bare; Heavy enough that you won't reach out to me when I look at you with teary eyes for help. I'm like a child again. I'm just lost and scared and I don't know what to do. I'm alone in the world but the only difference is that I know things are better than this, can be better than this, will be better than this. But that time isn't right now and I'm impatient. Every second I sit here, I lose more and more of myself to the past. My memories, my emotions, my feelings, my love. They all stay when they are the things I want to lose first. Everyone does.
We're all more alike then we'd like to think. When you look out to the world, we like to see ourselves as the main character as the extras walk by in the background. But it's not the truth. Everyone has a mother, a father, a family, a cause, a home, a life. All the thoughts that race through your head have been shared by another. Other people know how I feel. And I feel sorry for them. That they have to feel that pain, that weight.
But I still want you to feel it. I really do. Mold it in your hands like dry clay, feel it's hard points prick at your palms, feel it's cold dust brush against your fingertips, feel it slowly drying. Losing shape. Withering. Becoming more and more dense. Until you know how I feel. That grey lump crumbling inside my chest used to be filled with life. I used to at least be human. I don't think you'd love me now. You said you always wanted me to change, be the person I should be. And I'm afraid this is who I will be for the rest of my life.
Remember how I used to look at you, tears pooling, telling you about how terrified I was? Scared that I was doing the wrong thing? That I didn't know what I was doing. Well I really didn't. Remember how I looked at you when I said I was afraid to love you? That I was afraid to let you in? That I would scare you away? Well look at where we are now. I let you in and look where that got us.
I looked at you in the eyes, your very soul, and I said that I was afraid because you might be the only person for me. And I'm afraid you really were.
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