By Now

That was three years ago and things haven't changed. I've spent so many nights laying awake staring at the clock begging for sleep. People still ask me all the time if I knew what I was doing, and to be honest, I never knew. Love was hard - it still is - and things will probably never change. I will never truly be alone even if I should be. All I know is that there really is a difference in being alone and being unwanted. Loneliness doesn't come when I text you at 3:00 A.M. and you're too busy with school work to bother yourself with me, even though you said you loved me more than once but more like every day. That's not what love is, that's just a lie you tell yourself to justify why you keep giving me pain without taking from the load I already carry.

Now, I know I'm alone. You aren't here beside me. And even if you were, I don't think I'd notice a difference; Your breath would still be drowned out by the fan and whatever music you decided to fall asleep to. My empty hands would fall onto cold shoulders that would brush me off because you're tired and you want to be left alone. I understand it, but I don't like it.  It seemed like you were only ever there because it was easier than going home. But that's done now. I unfriended you three days ago and you didn't even notice. No texts, no calls, no messages. No questions. Just silence. But I'm used to it by now.

Silence is a blessing and a curse. I crave that feeling; Where I  don't have to talk and I just get to listen. The low hum of my computer, the wind pressing through my window and giving the curtains a song to dance to, the electric hum of the fan, the little sneezes and breaths from Rhea as she shuffles to make herself comfortable. She takes your place now. She's happy that she gets to cuddle next to me on the cold night. But I'm getting off track. Even when I crave silence there is noise. I can't stand to be reminded how empty things can be.

The days are longer now, harder too. I can't stop myself but all I can do is think about you; the mistakes I made and the way I behaved. I just wish I could take it back. I wish I knew what I was getting into so I could stop it before things were too late. Before I knew I'd have to spend these warm nights alone, fighting back the memories of you being next to me, turning over just to grab my arm so you could pull me down and peck me on the cheek just to say sorry.  The bed feels bigger now, but I never minded sharing. But I'm still getting off track.

I now know why all those depressed assholes on the Internet work out so often. When I work out, I'm in too much pain to consider thinking about you. But it will do me good in the long run. I'm losing weight and getting stronger; you'd be proud of  me.  But in the end, its not for you, but for me. I just hope one day we see each other again and I'll finally be the one who knows that look where people see how far you've made it and how they wish they never let me go. Every time I pick up that bar, I hate it. The metal cuts my calloused hands, my arms scream out in pain, every muscle fiber pulls and fights me, hating me for doing even the most simple of physical tasks.

I've lost fifteen pounds though, and hopefully it'll be twenty next week, even if you couldn't really tell by looking at me. But I know and that's all that matters. I haven't been eating much. I'm lucky if I eat one meal, but when I do, it's mostly because I force myself to. I just can't always take my body seriously anymore. I know what it wants but it doesn't know what it needs. But that's been my problem my whole life.

But this depression has lasted so long. It's been four days since I said goodbye to you, and you've hardly noticed. I should have done it 2 months ago; either way, I've been crushed since. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you care about so much, even if you have no other choice. It gets harder every time, but I know some day it will be good for me. It doesn't make it any easier when I lay awake at night, looking back to my phone hoping that little green light is flashing and you texted me out of the blue because you were thinking about me. But that light never blinks; This Gatsby is still staring at the water. It takes every ounce of effort not to text you, not to wake you up at 3:00 A.M. and pour my heart out to you yet again just so I can get a message back about how it doesn't matter now. It's too late. Go to sleep. Don't text me again, because I don't want to hear it.

There are only so many mornings where I can wake up and not have you next to me -someone next to me- anyone next to me. There are only so many mornings I can stumble to my computer and drown my feelings in songs with Drake, 808s & Heartbreaks, and the reminders that I won't always be alone. It hurts to much to log on and see no profile views, no messages, no girls liking me, wanting me like they used to. I took it all for granted. I should have known better back in the day to treat you better and know that I wasn't doing the right thing. I can only blame my depression so much and not give myself some of the blame.

But it's too late now to change the past, so I guess I have to change my ways; 

Hoping this bed will be less empty and I won't be the only one getting my way.